Friday, May 6, 2016

Why I Hate Mother's Day

Anyone that knows me knows I am a holiday girl. 
I LOVE all holidays!
I love the family gathering, I love the fun, I love the traditions. 
 I love them, all except one......Mother's Day.

To be honest, I hate Mother's Day.
Yes...I truly HATE it. 

Every year I dread May and all the sweet commercials about mothers. 
Every year I say something about hating Mother's Day 
and my sweet friends immediately start saying things about how I should love it 
because I am a mother and it's a day to honor me. 

And to some extent they are right- 
I am a mother and absolutely LOVE being Madison's mom. 
It truly is my favorite job on earth. 
I spent many years and countless nights on my knees 
praying to become a mother and I love dearly being Madison's mom 
and consider it a great honor. 

But here's the thing........
Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother. 

And my mother isn't here. 


The void left by that beautiful and amazing woman-
the strongest, kindest, most loving, most selfless woman I have ever known is huge.
I miss her every single solitary day with every single fiber of my being. 

I miss her laugh, her wise words, her sweet hugs,
her hugs, her insane creativity,
her ridiculously sweet tea, 
her amazing cooking, 
her laugh, her smell, her intelligence,
her crazy passion and love for those she loved. 

Sometimes I feel the pain of her absence so strongly, 
so deeply that I feel that it will overtake me. 
Sometimes I start to think of her and have to stop-
because it's just too painful. 

I so often think of all the stories I never got to hear her tell, 
the trips we never got to take, 
the conversations we never got to have, 
the memories we never got to make, 
the projects we never got to do, 
the meals we never got to make and share, 
the holidays we never got to share, 
all the lessons she never got to teach me, 
the laughs and tears we never got to share and I feel so cheated. 

I so often think of all the amazing things about her and 
all that was lost when she died. 
The world was truly a better place with her in it. 
MY world was a better place with her in it. 
And it SUCKS that the world no longer has her. 
That I no longer have my biggest cheerleader and most amazing 
role model, comforter, and protector. 
And to be honest sometimes it makes me angry. 

Although I am so blessed and so very thankful to know that she's in heaven- 
whole and healed and worshiping with Jesus,
and although I would not change that fact for ANYTHING, 
this is one of the days each year that 
miss her so much my heart truly aches. 

I so often think that I was robbed of such an amazing mother
and I so HATE CANCER. IT SUCKS. 
I was not prepared or ready at the age of 32 to lose my mother- 
not that you EVER are.
I wasn't done growing up, I wasn't done needing her, 
I wasn't done being taught by her, 
I wasn't done loving her and being loved by her.

Every single time I watched Maddie dance I cried 
because my mom never got to see her dance and I know 
how much she would have absolutely loved it. 
She never got to truly know the girl that is 
my beautiful, amazing, precious, funny daughter.
Anytime Madison achieves a milestone- prom, graduation, first day of college, sorority initiation-
my heart hurts thinking of how much my mama would have loved being there-
cheering and crying and being proud with me. 

Although Madison has memories of my mother and pictures of her and 
we try hard to tell her stories and all the wonderful things about my mother, 
she does not truly know the wonderful woman that was her Nana. 
She's been alive more than double the years without her Nana
that she was with her Nana. 
And I hate, hate, hate that. 

So please forgive me if hate this holiday. 
I'm sorry but being reminded of the huge void left by amazing mother
 is not something I can celebrate. 

I'll spend much of the day in tears or fighting them wishing I had
 just another minute with my sweet mama. 
Just one more hug. 
One more time to hold her hand. 
One more time to hear her voice. 
Please forgive me for that and please understand 
and not try to convince me to feel otherwise. 

And if you are still lucky enough to have your sweet mama, 
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
 treasure every moment you are blessed to have her. 
Because sadly one day, you too will hate Mother's Day. 



9 comments:

  1. Dear Shannon, I cried as I read this post--for you, for myself, for all of us who no longer have a mother to buy a card for. I lost my mom 8+ years ago, but sometimes it's as fresh as yesterday. Like you, I, too, long for "one more." You do not need to be forgiven for wanting that, and I would never want to convince you otherwise. We who were blessed with wonderful mother/daughter relationships will always long for one more hug, one more conversation, one more celebration. I know that I am the woman I am today in part because Dot was my mother. Tomorrow I will place flowers on her grave and I will grieve the loss. But through the tears I will also praise God that I grieve deeply because we loved each other deeply. I have friends who cannot celebrate their mothers, even though they are still living, because the relationship is so badly damaged.
    Madison sounds like a wonderful daughter and even if you cannot celebrate Mothet's Day as you would want, I hope that you will be able to enjoy Madison's celebration of you as her mother--because I'm guessing that your mom played a big part in making you the mother that you are to Madison.
    Allow yourself the tears, and allow the Comforter to embrace you.

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  2. I so sympathize with you! I also find Mother's Day to be difficult to handle. I lost my mother when I was 31 years old and she also died of cancer. There's so many things we never got to share. She's not here for me to confide in or ask questions of regarding aging and all those female things. However, I'm thankful that I know she's in heaven and no longer in pain or suffering. She was so loved by so many, including her family, but it's just not the same when your mom was taken from you early in life.

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  3. Thank you for that beautiful, honest post.
    I cried with you.
    I feel the EXACT same way... about father's day... Sigh... Just makes that Reunion Day in Heaven so much more exciting!
    XO

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  4. This post hit home for me. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 6 years old, and it put into words all those feeling I have been bottling up over the past 27 years. Thank you for your raw, honest post. There are so many of us out here who put on a smile and go through the motions of the day for our children, when our hearts are truly sad.
    I have heard God gave us tear ducts for a reason. We shouldn't be ashamed to use them.

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  5. Thank you so much for putting my feelings into words. I lost my mom to cancer 9 years ago June 3rd. I was 36 at the time but I had every feeling you have expressed. My girls were 2,5, and 6 at the time. So many achievements once that day have made me want to pick up a phone and call heaven to share with her one more time. Thanks again! Have a great day!

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  6. Dear Shannon thanks for sharing, I feel exactly the same way except that on your list mine will go on. I lost my beautiful loving Mom when I was a very young teeanager, and at the time my loving Daddy was also an Angel. I was thrown into this world to grow up on my own. I hated everyone, I hated God, I hated life, I just wanted to follow them. I miss them everyday,It turts so bad and will always hurt. Every accomplishment in my life I want them there so bad; my highschool graduation, when I became a nurse, when I got my masters degree in nursing, on my wedding day, when I became a mother myself to my very loving 4 year old son I can go on with this list, I wanted them to be there so bad but...You know what hurt the most not knowing where my Mom's grave is do that I can visit her and put a flower on her grave. Some days i want to be mad at God and then i remember that at least i got a chance to know her/my parents a little bit, there are so many people who didn't get that chance to meet and know their Mothers or biological parents. So like you Shannon, I hate Mother's day. I am supposed to be sleeping but I have been awake and crying, thank God I am not the only one who can't let it go. Shannon and you all thank you so much for sharing your feelings. Let us be thankful for who we are and have became. Happy Motherless Day to us. I wish we can all sit down right now, share a cup of tea and talk about our Angels (Mothers).

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  7. I read this as I sit her alone down at the ocean watching the tides roll in...alone. Alone and crying on Mother's Day, like I do every year and have for the past 4 years since my mom died, also of cancer when I was 35. She was my rock, my one person that truly understood me. My guiding light in raising a difficult child, the one person in this world I could turn to. Now I have no one. I'm now divorced and today is "not my day with the kids" so I will only see them for a few hours later on because my ex is such a bitter and hurtful person and delights in keeping them from me on this day. So no breakfast in bed from my little children's smiling faces like it has been for the last 10 years because I don't have them either today. My mom wasn't here to guide me through a nasty divorce, to help me welcome a new child only a few months ago and to tell me "everything will be ok, I'm here for you". She isn't here for me and today I get to remember that. Yesterday was the anniversary of her death so I get to remember that this weekend too. Mother's Day will always be a day I hate. A day I dread and a day I wish I could push the fast forward button on. I feel for all of us that have been cheated out of being with our first best friends and the women who we still need so badly in this life. So now as I sit here by the ocean I will remember all that I had and all that I have lost and try to go on. I have to go home soon and fake a smile for everyone else so I don't ruin their day too. Good luck and God bless. Xoxo

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  8. Oh Dear Shannon, I could only read a fraction of this post. I have come to it and still can't. My dear Mom left us when I wasn't ready of a heart attack and cancer has robbed me of my Dad. I am so grateful for your encouragement, every day I read snippets that fill my heart coming from you. Yes, even this one. Hugs to you, dear friend.

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  9. Shannon, I am do glad that you wrote this post. My best friend, my dear mama, went to be with the Lord in 2003. I was 35 years old. I still get teary eyed when I see Mother's day commercials or when I see pictures of friends with their mama's. It has been bittersweet to celebrate my marriage, children and health and life struggles without her to share these things of life. But such comfort to know one day we will be with the Lord. And such comfort to know that she is healed of Alzheimer's, heart failure and sorrow. Love to you, and prayers for continued comfort from Jesus in the loss of your mama. What a sweet reunion one day! ♡

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