Anyone that knows me knows I am a holiday girl.
I LOVE all holidays!
I love the family gathering, I love the fun, I love the traditions.
I love them, all except one......Mother's Day.
To be honest, I hate Mother's Day.
Yes...I truly HATE it.
Every year I dread May and all the sweet commercials about mothers.
Every year I say something about hating Mother's Day
and my sweet friends immediately start saying things about how I should love it
because I am a mother and it's a day to honor me.
And to some extent they are right-
I am a mother and absolutely LOVE being Madison's mom.
It truly is my favorite job on earth.
I spent many years and countless nights on my knees
praying to become a mother and I love being Madison's mom.
But here's the thing........
Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother.
And my mother isn't here.
The void left by that beautiful and amazing woman-
the strongest, kindest, most loving, most selfless woman I have ever known is huge.
I miss her every single solitary day with every single fiber of my being.
I miss her laugh, her wise words, her sweet hugs,
her hugs, her insane creativity,
her crazy passion and love for those she loved.
Sometimes I feel the pain of her absence so strongly,
so deeply that I feel that it will overtake me.
I so often think of all the stories I never got to hear her tell,
the trips we never got to take,
the conversations we never got to have,
the memories we never got to make,
the projects we never got to do,
the meals we never got to make and share,
the holidays we never got to share,
all the lessons she never got to teach me,
the laughs and tears we never got to share and I feel so cheated.
I so often think of all the amazing things about her and
all that was lost when she died.
The world was truly a better place with her in it.
My world was a better place with her in it.
And it sucks that the world no longer has her.
That I no longer have my biggest cheerleader and most amazing
role model, comforter, and protector.
And to be honest sometimes it makes me angry.
Although I am so blessed and so very thankful to know that she's in heaven-
whole and healed and worshiping with Jesus,
and although I would not change that fact for anything,
this is one of the days each year that
I miss her so much my heart truly aches.
I so often think that I was robbed of such an amazing mother.
I was not prepared or ready at the age of 32 to lose my mother-
not that you EVER are.
I wasn't done growing up, I wasn't done needing her,
I wasn't done being taught by her,
I wasn't done loving her and being loved by her.
Every single time I watch Maddie dance I cry
because my mom never got to see her dance and I know
how much she would have absolutely loved it.
She never got to truly know the girl that is
my beautiful, amazing, precious, funny daughter.
As I watched Madison dance for the last time in her Spring Show last night
my heart hurt thinking of how much my mama would have loved being there-
cheering and crying and being proud with me.
Although Madison has memories of my mother and pictures of her and
we try hard to tell her stories and all the wonderful things about my mother,
she does not truly know the wonderful woman that was her Nana.
She's been alive more than double the years without her Nana
that she was with her Nana.
And I hate, hate, hate that.
So please forgive me if hate this holiday.
I'm sorry but being reminded of the huge void left by amazing mother
is not something I can celebrate.
I'll spend much of the day in tears wishing I had
just another minute with my sweet mama.
Just one more hug.
One more time to hold her hand.
One more time to hear her voice.
Please forgive me for that and please understand
and not try to convince me to feel otherwise.
And if you are still lucky enough to have your sweet mama,
please please please treasure every moment you are blessed to have her.
Because sadly one day, you too will hate Mother's Day.