Thursday, May 15, 2008

A letter from dog to dog

Dear Belle,

You are a cute little dog but I think it's time we had a little chat. It's time for you to face reality. You are no longer a puppy. It's sad but we all get older and you my dear, are past using your age as an excuse to do things you know you are NOT allowed to do. That cute little cocked head and sweet face is simply NO longer enough to get you out of trouble. If you haven't noticed, that crazy red headed Momma lady has not been very happy with you lately. If you don't clean up your act pretty soon, I have a feeling you are going to find yourself living in the backyard. You may not remember much about last summer since you were so little- but let me tell you- it STINKS. Bad. In case you didn't know- we live in Texas where it gets about 2 million degrees outside and you will be so stinkin miserable you will want to die. It's hot 100% of the time. Horribly hot. Trust me when I say it's awful and you want to do anything you can to keep it from happening.

So, even though you irritate the heck out of me some of the time and I often wish you would go back where you came from, I thought maybe I could give you a few suggestions that I know will help that red headed Momma to like you a little better and maybe keep you inside where it's nice and cool.

So let's review a few rules:

1. Do NOT potty on the floor, potty OUTSIDE in the grass. She is so tired of using that big monster carpet cleaning machine that makes lots of noise (you know that one that you hate and bark at the entire time she is using it?). For some reason she uses it just about every weekend since you arrived and she is not happy about it. I hear her mumbling under her breath. The machine is so loud I can't hear everything she says but I have picked up the words HATE, POTTY, Belle, STINKIN, MY BACK, and GONNA LIVE OUTSIDE FOREVER so I'm thinking you might want to stop that. When they open that door and send us outside, it's not to play, it's to pee.

2. If there is an emergency and you have to potty inside, do NOT- I repeat do NOT potty on a bed. Anywhere but there. The last time you did and red headed Momma had to take the big poofy blanket off the bed and out to car, I heard her say something about taking the cost to dry clean it out of your hide. I don't know what that means, but I know it isn't good. At all.

3. Do NOT poop on the floor, poop outside. I repeat, do NOT poop on the floor. This makes red headed Momma really, really, really angry. It's even worse than peeing inside. When you do this her face turns really red and it's not very pretty. She mumbles and grumbles while cleaning it up. If the poop is mushy- you had better run and hide good (under the guest room bed is a good place). Pooping is to be done outside just like peeing.

4. If you DO accidentally poop, do NOT, I repeat do NOT run through it when we are playing chase in the house. We end up tracking poop all over the house and that is NOT a good thing. I don't know exactly what she said, but when it happened the other day, red headed Momma was sighing loudly and mumbling something about sending you to someplace called the pound. So, if you MUST poop inside, poop off to the side- not in the middle of the living room floor. K?

5. Stop chewing on shoes and the piano legs. We have bones to chew on. They are really yummy and we have a million. Leave the shoes and piano alone.

6. When you are in the laundry room during the day, do not scratch on the wall. All that flaky white stuff on the floor makes red headed Momma upset big time. She likes her house just so and you are throwing big monkey wrenches in that plan. Stop it.

7. Do NOT jump on the big table in the kitchen. Dogs aren't supposed to be on tables, don't you know that? I know there is food up there but if you jump on the table and try to steal it- you will get a spanking. Trust me, I know. All you have to do is go stand by the table on your hind legs and look really cute- and they will give you a snack. It works for me every time.

8. We are supposed to SLEEP all night long, not BARK at the new neighbors dogs all night long. That red headed lady and that big tall guy get really grumpy when you keep waking them up so STOP it. Bark during the day when everyone is gone and can't hear you. That's what I do.

Well, that's all for now. I really hope you'll think about following some of my suggestions. If you don't- don't worry, I'll come visit you a couple times a day where you will be melting in the backyard this summer.

Holly the Dog

P.S. Stop digging in the trash cans while everyone is home. Wait till they leave, then go through them. That's what I do and it works GREAT!