Sending your Child to College is like Sending your Heart Away

Sending your child away to college is hard y'all. 

It's like sending your heart away and it's hard not to worry

that you won't be there when they need you. 

So last year when my sweet girl left for college, 

I bought a bunch of cards, wrote in them, labeled them 

(For when you are sad, For when you are sick, 

For when you need a reminder you are loved, etc)

 and put them in a box tied with a bow. 

(Hobby Lobby has a great selection of cards 

that are perfect for this and don't cost a ton!)

My mama did this for me when I went away to Baylor too

and I remembered how much I loved them. 

Because as much as I loved college, 

there were times when I so missed my mama

and those cards were a sweet reminder of her. 

 I placed the box in Madison's drawers to find later. 

I wasn't sure if she read them but when we were 

unpacking her things in her new apartment last weekend, 

I saw the box. 

When she saw me holding the almost empty box- she asked. 

"You are going to write me some more cards, right?" 

So of course I did. 

And as I wrote in them today I thought of how much my mama 

would have loved me carrying on this tradition. 

#imissmymama

My Heart Still Breaks

Although I originally wrote this post on June 18, 2011 every single word rings true today on the 11th anniversary.  My heart still breaks. 



There are times I've probably said all of the old cliched sayings many times before.

Things like:

-Time heals all wounds.

-It's so wonderful that she's no longer in pain and now she's in a better place.

-I know just how you feel.

-It'll get easier as time goes by.

-Don't be sad, you'll see her again one day.

Although I've said them all before, know without a doubt that they are said in love and kindness, and know in my heart that many are true, there are times on days like today- the 11th anniversary of my sweet mother's death- they are simply empty words that do nothing to soothe my aching and breaking heart.

It's been eleven years since I stood by my precious mother's bedside, held her hand, and told her that it was okay for her to leave us.

I so vividly remember standing there, with my heart absolutely, positively breaking and lying to her over and over and over again saying...........

"It's okay Mommy- we are going to be fine. You've loved us enough for a lifetime and I know you're tired of fighting and it's okay. We will miss you but I know how tired you are it's okay to stop fighting now. I promise that Madison will grow up knowing you and knowing how much you loved her. She will not forget her amazing Nana- I promise. So it's okay- you go and be with Jesus and we will see you soon."

I stood there lying to her while every fiber of my being wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.........

"Please, please, please don't go Mommy, please don't leave me. Don't leave us. We need you. I need you and I love you and I don't know how to live my life without you. I can't do this. I need you. Please, please, please don't go."

It's only through the strength God gave me that day that I was able to stand there and say what she needed to hear. It was ONLY because of Him I said the words that I believe she needed to hear.

She was my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my safe place when things were bad, my protector, my comforter, my precious Mommy.

I miss her as much today as I did 11 years ago- and sometimes even more so.

There are times when I have to stop myself from thinking about her-and literally make myself think of something or someone else because I am fearful that if I do think about her that the grief will overwhelm me. I'm afraid that I will start crying, and never be able to stop.

There are times when I allow myself to cry and remember and I feel the pain of her absence so strongly that I feel that it will overtake me. I think of all the stories I never got to hear her tell, the conversations we never got to have, the holidays we never got to share, all the lessons she never got to teach me, all the laughs and tears we never got to share and I feel so cheated. And my heart breaks a little.

There are times when I start remembering all the amazing things about her and all that was lost when she died. The world was a better place with her in it. And it stinks that the world no longer has her. And it makes me angry. And my heart breaks a little.

There are times when I think that I was robbed of such an amazing mother. I was not prepared or ready at the age of 32 to lose my mother. I wasn't done growing up, I wasn't done needing her, I wasn't done loving her and being loved by her. And my heart breaks a little.

There are times when I watch Maddie dance and I cry because my Mommy never got to see her dance and I know how much she would have absolutely loved it. She never got to truly know the girl that is my amazing and precious daughter. And my heart breaks a little.

There are times when I realize that Maddie has now been alive longer without knowing my mom than she has been alive knowing my mom. She has more memories without her than with her. And although she has memories of my mother and we try hard to tell her stories and all the wonderful things about my mother, she does not truly know the wonderful woman that was her Nana. And I hate, hate, hate that. And my heart breaks a little.

And then when there are times- like today- when I think that my grief will overwhelm me, that the tears will never stop, that thankfully and mercifully my Savior reminds me of His promises in Lamentations 3:22-33 where He says:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.

And those promises? They comfort me. And I heal a little.

Why I Hate Mother's Day

Anyone that knows me knows I am a holiday girl. 

I LOVE all holidays!

All except one......Mother's Day.

To be honest, I hate Mother's Day.

Yes...I truly HATE it. 

Every year I dread May and all the sweet commercials about mothers. 

Every year I say something about hating Mother's Day and my sweet friends immediately start saying things about how I should love it 

because I am a mother and it's a day to honor me. 

And to some extent they are right- 

I am a mother and absolutely LOVE being Madison's mom. 

I spent many years and lots of money and countless nights on my knees 

praying to become a mother and I love being Madison's mom. 

But here's the thing........

Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother. 

And my mother isn't here. 

The void left by that amazing woman-

the strongest, kindest, most loving woman I have ever known is huge.

I miss her every single solitary day with every single fiber of my being. 

Sometimes I feel the pain of her absence so strongly, 
so deeply that I feel that it will overtake me. 

I so often think of all the stories I never got to hear her tell, the trips we never got to take, the conversations we never got to have, the memories we never got to make, the projects we never got to do, the meals we never got to make, the holidays we never got to share, all the lessons she never got to teach me, the laughs and tears we never got to share and I feel so cheated. 

I so often think of all the amazing things about her and 

all that was lost when she died. 

The world was truly a better place with her in it. 

My world was a better place with her in it. 

And it sucks that the world no longer has her. 

That I no longer have my biggest cheerleader and most amazing 

role model, comforter, and protector. 

And to be honest sometimes it makes me angry. 

I so often think that I was robbed of such an amazing mother. 
I was not prepared or ready at the age of 32 to lose my mother- 

not that you ever are.

I wasn't done growing up, I wasn't done needing her, 

I wasn't done being taught by her, 

I wasn't done loving her and being loved by her.

Every single time I watch Maddie dance I cry because my mom never got to see her dance and I know how much she would have absolutely loved it. 

She never got to truly know the girl that is 

my beautiful, amazing, precious, funny daughter.

Although she has memories of my mother and pictures of her and 

we try hard to tell her stories and all the wonderful things about my mother, 

she does not truly know the wonderful woman that was her Nana. 

And I hate, hate, hate that. 

So please forgive me if hate this holiday. 

I'm sorry but being reminded of the huge void left by amazing mother

 is not something I can celebrate. 

I'll spend much of the day in tears wishing I had

 just another minute with my sweet mama. 

Just one more hug. 

One more time to hold her hand. 

One more time to hear her voice. 

Please forgive me for that and please understand 

and not try to convince me to feel otherwise. 

And if you are still lucky enough to have your sweet mama, 

please please please treasure every moment you are blessed to have her. 

Because sadly one day, you too will hate Mother's Day.