Tuesday, September 3, 2013

How are you?

I'm pretty sure that if I had a dollar for each person that had asked me recently "How are you?" 
I would have enough money to take a trip. {a nice, long trip}

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that people are so very kind and thoughtful and ask how I am.
It truly makes my heart happy.  I am amazingly blessed with some amazing friends and family. 

But....it also makes me very sad when someone asks that question because I honestly don't know how to answer it. 

Do they want me to lie and just say "Fine" and then move on or do they want me to break down and tell them how I really am? 

I will admit that most of the time I say I am fine. 

But truthfully, I am about as far from fine as you can possibly get. I haven't seen fine in a LONG time. 

So how am I? 

I am....

  • terrified
  • anxious
  • worried
  • scared
  • overwhelmed
  • sad
  • nervous

I spend much of my time lately telling my self internally to calm down and not panic because everything in me just wants to sit down and cry.  

Buckets and buckets of tears.

Much of the time I think .....

  • How can I do this? 
  • CAN I do this? 
  • I don't want to do this. 
  • I really, really, really don't want to do this. 

Sweet friends keep telling me I'm going to be fine and that I am so brave and strong and that they know God is going to use this for His good. And I absolutely do believe that He will use this trial for His good.  But when people say that- man it is some pressure. 

Because when they say that, I think........

  • What if I'm not brave and strong? 
  • What if I am the worst patient ever? 
  • What if I am super far from inspirational? 
  • What if I am mean and cranky and a big old mess and ruin the good God is trying to do through this? 
I feel like it's my job to reassure everyone that I am okay but on top of working and trying to get my entire work and home life in order before surgery plus trying not to completely break down- I just can't.

I want to be brave and resilient and strong- but y'all I feel about as brave and resilient and strong as a new baby kitten. 

So, I'm doing the only thing I know how to do when I'm terrified- praying and clinging to God's word. 

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. 
Exodus 14:14